I think what a lot of people don’t understand about bpd is that it’s not just our moods changing frequently it’s our entire idea of our identity, our feelings towards other people (often significant people in our lives), what we think we want, how we view the world, whether we want to LIVE or DIE. It’s chaotic, it’s confusing, and it’s painful.
Passionate and Intense: People with BPD experience the world to it’s fullest potential, taking on both challenging and easy tasks with intensity and emotional force.
Individual: Because people with BPD often undergo difficulty with an unstable self-image, many try to rectify this instability by cultivating personality traits that are unique and memorable.
Spontaneous: People with BPD feel free to let whimsy carry them through a life of spur-of-the-moment adventures.
Curious: People with BPD feel their curiosities very strongly and can become attached and involved with new concepts very quickly and actively.
Insightful: Because people with BPD ruminate on their lives and often go through therapy or self-help programs as part of treatment, they often have especially insightful commentary about life and it’s trials and tribulations.
Compassionate: Some people with BPD experience feelings so strongly that they even begin to feel the feelings of those around them. This is called empathy. Many people with BPD approach the world selflessly, hoping to do better for others than we do for ourselves.
Creative and Artistic: The emotional intensity of people with BPD can* make the visual, performing, and written arts a natural output.
Passionate and Intense: People with BPD experience the world to it’s fullest potential, taking on both challenging and easy tasks with intensity and emotional force.
Individual: Because people with BPD often undergo difficulty with an unstable self-image, many try to rectify this instability by cultivating personality traits that are unique and memorable.
Spontaneous: People with BPD feel free to let whimsy carry them through a life of spur-of-the-moment adventures.
Curious: People with BPD feel their curiosities very strongly and can become attached and involved with new concepts very quickly and actively.
Insightful: Because people with BPD ruminate on their lives and often go through therapy or self-help programs as part of treatment, they often have especially insightful commentary about life and it’s trials and tribulations.
Compassionate: Some people with BPD experience feelings so strongly that they even begin to feel the feelings of those around them. This is called empathy. Many people with BPD approach the world selflessly, hoping to do better for others than we do for ourselves.
Creative and Artistic: The emotional intensity of people with BPD can* make the visual, performing, and written arts a natural output.
by Nolan D, certified real life Person With Borderline™ (srsly, why would you trust sources written by neurotypicals????)
if you have bpd or you’re interested in learning how to be helpful to ppl with bpd, this is for you!!
i wrote this guide because my family and friends were having some trouble understanding bpd/helping me feel better. i tried to make it customizable, so feel free to add to it, remove things, or change things to suit your unique Borderline Experience™ (but pls don’t alter this actual post it will hurt my feelings. copy/paste friends).
like/reblog if you decide to use it or find it helpful pls, so that i know if i’m being useful!
What is BPD?
BPD is a cluster B personality
disorder, along with antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality
disorders. Cluster B disorders are distinguished by dramatic, highly emotional,
and/or erratic behavior. Borderlines are characterized by rocky interpersonal
relationships, extreme emotions, issues with self-image, and trouble with
impulse control. We may also experience symptoms associated with mania and/or
psychosis.
What am I going through as a person with BPD?
Intense
emotions and mood swings
Inappropriate
and/or unreasonable anger and irritability
Impulsive
and risky behavior, can include: spending excessive amounts of money, taking
too many drugs, drinking too much, promiscuity, and self-harm
Predisposition
to addiction
Difficult
and intense relationships, often full of arguments, conflict, and breakups
Higher
probability of being abused and/or raped
Sudden
intense episodes of anxiety, depression, and mania-like behavior
Feelings
of self-hatred, often resulting in suicidal thoughts and behavior
Hallucinations,
including auditory, sensory, olfactory, and visual
Delusions,
particularly an obsessive fear and belief that people are going to abandon me
Extreme
need for attention in order to feel that I am worthy of living
Unstable
self-image and lack of consistent personality/identity, often resulting in
mimicking the behavior and personalities of fictional characters and real-life
loved ones
Excessive
self-criticism
Feelings
of emptiness
Awareness
of/guilt because of destructive behaviors, but feeling unable to stop
Dissociative
states under stress, in which I feel a disconnection from my body and from
reality
Unstable
goals/aspirations
Tendency
to interpret the emotions of others as overwhelmingly negative
Paranoia
that people hate me or are annoyed by everything I do
Idolizing
people I’ve just met
Fear
that I am faking my symptoms, no matter how severe they are
Fear
that I am being manipulative or abusive
Possessiveness
of loved ones
Constant
need for reassurance
So how can you help me?
Offer
frequent unprompted reassurance that
you love me, are not annoyed by me, and are not going to leave me/stop
supporting me. If I have to ask for this reassurance, I will feel that I have
manipulated you into giving it and will be unable to believe what you say.
Respect
that I need to be given space sometimes, and comforted at other times. I need
space if I seem to be pushing you away or shutting down. Tell me that you will
be available if I need you so that I won’t feel abandoned, then leave the
situation. I need comfort if I am clinging to you or refuse to leave you alone.
Never tell me that I’m overreacting. It is not my fault that I experience extreme
emotions.
Do
not threaten punishment for impulsive behavior. This includes saying that you
will take me to the hospital if I continue. Offer to talk me through
it instead.
If
you don’t have BPD, don’t tell me that you know how I’m feeling. You don’t.
Empathy is much appreciated, but if you say you can sympathize with me, I will
begin to feel distrustful of what you say.
Never
say or imply that I don’t actually have BPD. I get enough of that shit from
myself.
Hear.
Me. Out. No matter what I have to say. You don’t have to agree, just listen.
Tell
me why I’m not a bad person. Have examples to back it up because I will likely
accuse you of empty compliments.
If
I become unreasonably angry at you, be aware that I will feel incredibly guilty
and remorseful later. When that happens, accept my apology and move on if you
are able to.
Never
tell me to “just stop” doing something destructive. I guarantee that if I could
stop, I would have already. Instead, gently ask me things like “Why do you think
you’re doing this?” + “Do you think it is helpful for you?” + “How is it
helpful? How is it not helpful?” If I am in a panic state/dissociative state
and answer with “I don’t know!”/refuse or am unable to provide an answer,
please determine if I need to be given space or comforted, and act accordingly.
When
I dissociate, I often appear zoned-out, distracted, or dead-eyed. I may be
unable to see you, hear you, or speak to you. A gentle touch on the shoulder
may or may not snap me out of it. Stay with me and make sure I don’t do
anything dangerous until I come back to reality.
Do
not judge me for my actions, and especially do not imply that I am being a bad
person. Do not try to make me feel guilty for anything, no matter what.
Instead, gently ask questions about my behavior, and try to understand the
underlying cause.
Use
lots of words with positive connotations when speaking to me.
I will try my best to provide more
advice on how to help me as I learn more about my disorder myself! Thanks for
taking the time to read this, and be aware that I’m not demanding that you do
any of these things, but rather I am asking you to do so because it will help
me be happier and healthier.
While I do like this… it puts an awful lot of responsibility on the people we interact with. I think we need to be honest with people ala ‘if it seems to you like I’m overreacting please bear in mind I feel emotions much more strongly than you do’.
For instance I’ve just come back to a group of friends and had to tell them that right now is a very rocky time for me; I’m splitting badly over two of them vacillating between hating them and loving them seemly at the flick of a switch… particularly when they’re together. I recognise my thought process on this is disordered and so I take my time to tell them that my reactions have nothing to do with them actually doing anything to incite them but if I’m distancing myself please just let me be because I need that distance to analyse my thought patterns and calm down.
I think one of the biggest things we need to ask is that if people would be accommodating to someone with anxiety issues then please be accommodating to us as well as this is a type of anxiety; we’re pretty much terrified you’re going to leave us for someone more interesting and if we think we’re seeing that we’ll try to leave first.
Sadly most people are not accommodating of mental illness and others like to pretend a personality disorder isn’t actually an illness.
And one final thing! When people can empathise with you it means they understand what you are going through emotionally. Sympathy is when they cannot understand but are still offering their support.
To the people who love me despite my borderline brain.
I’ve been in therapy for 7 months and only just uttered the dreaded words Borderline Personality Disorder. Dreaded because its terrifying to consider the fact it might be something that isn’t as simple to treat as another Mental Health Diagnosis. This is my attempt at helping you to understand where I’m coming from and why I do the things I do.
1. I’m Not A Bad Person
My behaviour is sometimes fuelled by my disordered thinking patterns. I do things that can be seen by some as heartless, manipulative, rude, dangerous and downright horrible. And I’m not using my disorder as an excuse! ; I’m just trying to tell you that those things are NOT the sum total of me. They are a product of a legitimate disordered way of thinking that you just can’t understand. So try to see past the behaviour and see the person you love under it, because I’m still here, just struggling to control my brain.
2. You Can’t Understand Me
This is not me “just being negative again” and telling you that you can never understand me. Its not a teenage temper tantrum where “Nobody gets what its like to be me”. This is a tried and tested theory. Unless you have a personality disorder you will not understand one. Not in any logical sense; and the main reason? Because they make no logical sense.
3. My Impulses Are So Hard To Fight
When I get a random impulse to do something it becomes an immediate requirement. It isn’t a want, its a NEED and if I can’t do what I’m being told to do then I become despondent, depressed and probably seem to sulk from the outside. But inside I’m fighting a terrible battle of wills. The impulses I get are a way for me to filter out negative emotions I’m unable to deal with in a healthy way.
4. I’m Not Emotionally Shallow
In fact I’m the complete opposite. “Splitting” is when I connect with someone and then almost immediately (sometimes) disconnect from them. I go from idolising them to never speaking about them again. Understand that this does not mean my amount of emotion for that person during the time of connection is lessened any by the fact I disconnect. In fact sometimes I need to force myself to disconnect from someone; as the amount of emotion I feel towards them is too much to cope with.
5. When I’m Down I’m Not Just Down
My pain is sometimes like a combination between a black hole and a dementor. It will suck everybody else into it if they try to stop it forming. It will suck the joy from life, the happiness from everything and the twinkle from anyones eye. Its poisonous, its dangerous, its the most negative thing you’ve ever experienced. Its darker than black and deeper than the ocean. It feeds itself and grows bigger and bigger until it eclipses everything and all you can do is lie there in a bundle of pain and tears until it goes away.
6. I’m Not “Just Being Dramatic”
I can practically hear your eyes rolling at that last point. But I’m being 100% serious. Being told to “Woman up”, “Stop Being Ridiculous” or being given helpful ways in which to stop being so depressed does not work. Theres pretty much only one way out of the pain and thats by being reassured by your “favourite” that everything is okay.
7. I Play Favourites
When we connect with somebody they are elevated beyond everyone else. We will choose our favourite over you and feel no guilt (another BPD trait) so if you ever feel slighted, ignored or like you’re second best. Its probably because I only have eyes for my current favourite. But this isn’t a conscious decision of ours to choose them over you. It just will not even occur to us that thats an option. Its not malicious. I promise.
8. I Lack “Relationship Object Permanence”
This means that if I am “connected” to you and go for periods of time without hearing from you or being reaffirmed in our relationship it can result in me becoming panicked, depressed, irrational and bitter towards you.
9. I’m Scared Of Losing You
With some more than others but still true. I’m irrationally terrified of upsetting you, making you hate me, annoying you and making you leave me “like everyone else I’ve ever loved”
10. I Need Reassurance Daily
I need to feel loved (especially by my favourite). I need to feel like I haven’t destroyed our relationship by being such a horrible person (or even by saying something I irrationally interpret as stupid). I need to know you are here for me and you haven’t disappeared since we last spoke.
Living with BPD thinking isn’t an easy task. It can be painful and it can be frustrating and it can be dangerous for my health. So hopefully now I’ve explained things to you, you might be able to understand me and my BPD brain a little better.
OMG. #7 is so true for me. I very literally do play favourites and it’s ridiculous.
